Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Fulfill dreams is still seems unfulfilled !

What is the feeling of being free? What is the feeling of having the trust of someone you love? What is the feeling that you’re doing the things that making you really happy? What does it feel? How do I get that?

For a long time… I am always searching and longing for that someone who can trust me and love me the way I am. I am always pleasing the people around me to love, trust and believe on me. I am always working to win those things.

As far as I know... I live my life as an obedient son . At the age of 12 I start working to make my parents proud. When I choose to Study other than drinking milk in a bottle, I thought my parents are proud of me. When I become active and honor in my study , I guess they were proud of me. When I become independent in going to school, I know they were proud of me. But everything has change when I done something wrong. I never thought and I never expect that because of that thing they won't be proud of me again.
...
When my mother is talking to her friends, I am always waiting to what she will go to say about me. I am always listening to what they are talking; even I know that it is bad. But every time I am doing that, I am always crying inside, you know why? Because every time my mother would speak out about me, she never ever says something good. I can't feel that she is proud of me. I fell down every time she and her friends are talking about me, while her friends are telling something about their child. They were really proud of them. And I fell how much they love there children.

...."I want my parents to have a better and good life; I want them to be rich because of me, to make them proud of me…"

I found hard to express on what I feel, even I felt happy, or sad, good or bad. No one will know it. For short I am an unpredictable child, I never been a predictable person. I grew up with my dreams and my personality that no one can identify

My family had a big problem, and because of that I decided to study hard , thou i am not as smart as others , but somehow , i will try my best not to be a rotten apple , to help myself up and to help my mum , make her at least proud a bit for me , to make people who look down on my family salute my mum , drop their eyeball in front of my mum for being have a so successful child in future . But , still , there is a imperfection in my family tree which i don wish to talk much here . And sorry to my college friends who no one knows about it , i had been lying most of you for the pass 8 months when some questions came across us . Sorry for that .

There's a lot of thing that makes me happy but then I learned to turn my back to it, of course because of my dreams. There are a lot of people that makes me happy but I also turn my back to them. I learned to leave everything that makes me happy just to have my dreams. And I will leave everything just for me to be able to get the love, trust and believe of my parents.


But sad to say, no one of this world is not getting tired, I am tired. I am really tired, of all the years I am working for that love believe and trust. Is there no one really wants to believe on me?? Or is really my parents can see and feel that? Sometimes even I myself felt that I can't trust myself too… I don't know, maybe because my parents can't do it for me. Is there a parent who can't give their trust to there own child?
I am still an unpredictable person, and no one still knows what I am dreaming of. A simple things that I supposed to have since I was born, is the thing I was dreaming of. And need to work out to win. I am tired; maybe I need to change my plan. Maybe I really need to move out of this place. For them to be able to see me, to see what I am doing for them, and how much I love them .

Or maybe , when the time i had become a dentist , they will only give me confidence and supports that i should have them now ? Don you think it might be too late for me ? Lols .


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